Sometimes I Feel Like Snow White

If I haven't told all of my bloggy friends yet...my parents in law live in my house. They moved in last June and I think are planning on staying forever. So in my house there is 4 adults, 2 kids, a dog....now outside my house I have a small forest (well OK not really a forest just a shit load of woodland creatures. The creatures have not always lived been there that is the work of my father in law we will call him Papa since that is what my babies call him. Papa doesn't work or have any hobbies (well does drinking a 1/2 pint of cheap vodka like a bottle of water a hobby?) but he does like to feed the neighborhood animals. Every morning he gets up, grabs his vodka and his pack of smokes and goes outside to put out peanuts for the squirrels and chipmunks and bird feed for of coarse the birds. Some mornings when I walk outside for my morning smoke and caffeine fix it is nice....I see cardinals, blue jays, a couple of baby squirrels etc. On other days it's scary and I have to go out to the front of the house. The other day I counted and had 13 squirrels, 3 chipmunks, 12 morning doves, countless sparrows....it was like the Albert Hitchcock movie "The Birds". If he doesn't get up on time or god forbid my parents in law are out of town, we have a woodland creature riot. They come up to our windows and peer in...they bark and chirp at my dog when she goes out and does her business etc. Sometimes I like to make believe that I am Snow White and my kids are the dwarfs, maybe the woodland creatures will help me clean the house.....yeah right...they come and poop on my deck and die in my pool. It makes the old man happy....and that is why I tolerate it...oh what we do for love.

While I have been away

So it feels like forever since I have posted. It really was only a week...but whatever, then you have to catch up with everyone and you want to leave comments..blah...blah. The last week I spent allllllll of my time in my office at work doing year end reviews on "the divas" (the girls I manage) you would think that it wouldn't take so long but it does...their pay raises and if they are going to keep their jobs or not depend on it so I take it quite seriously.... While I was away I also had to have ex-rays done on my foot because I thought I broke it. Now you might be asking "how does she know what a broken foot feels like?" so I am going to tell you a story.....



*Flashback February 2, 2008*



I was horsing around with the Hubby "Bill" and while I was running from him he grabbed my hand and as I was pulling away from him...he squeezed too hard and I broke my hand....Now you might say.."wow he must be really strong"...but alas no...I have the bone density of a 70 year old woman due to the lack of calcium in my diet and my smoking (that is what my doctor says anyway)... I broke it...it sucked I had little babies and I was working ungodly hours....but I do have a funny story about my broken hand and a Pimp.

I was at work, being the best manager at a retail electronics store that I could be. I was making my rounds on the sales floor and walked by the Appliance department and I saw him. He was a tall black man in alligator boots wearing (I am not kidding) fur coat, big gold rings and gold necklaces. I almost pissed my self he looked so ridiculous...so what is a girl to do? Why walk over with my bright pink cast and start talking to my Pimp customer. Of coarse the first thing out of his mouth "Giiiirll what happened to yo hand?" and just as I was about to say "Tripped over the baby gate" (hey I wasn't going to tell everyone that my hubby broke it) but he stopped me and said "Wait giiiiirrl, I know how you done it....Ur Man musta gotten in trouble and you chopped in instead ah up slapped. That has happened to me befur, when my Bitches get out of line."....So my new Pimp friend taught me how to properly Bitch Slap some hos. By the way this is a true story and he bought over $6,000 worth of stuff from me.

Ah, good times....You never know who you will meet in retail. He by far was the most memorable...well almost the most...but a good story for another day. Good news is my foot is not broken but the bone is badly bruised...I this time I really did fall....I tripped over Wubbers (my son). Any body out there Broke a bone before?

My Mazda: part 2

So as I have told you my Mazda runs on love... my first winter the heater core went out... It was replaced but it never got warmer (except in the summer) than 30 degrees in the car. Dumbass, Sookie and I would have to thaw out after we made trips back and forth from my parents house. I think that is why to this day that I don't like my car very warm... I will turn on the seat warmer but I won't turn on the heat unless the kids are in the car with me. My passenger window stopped rolling down and we had to have it permanently placed in the upright position.

I had many adventures in the Mazda...countless trips to the College that Scarlett and Jill stayed... or just driving around with my friends (gas was only $.80 a gallon)... there was a time that after my high school boyfriend broke up with me, my girlfriends and I piled in to the Mazda and took a road trip to the exes house. Materials that we brought were as follows.
1. Five giggly girls in heels
2. One bumper sticker that said "I am so gay I can't even think straight"
3. Razor Blade to slash bumper sticker so you could not pull it off in one piece
4. Flashlights
I am not sure how we weren't caught because we were loud and not stealthy at all, but we applied said sticker. Next day we laughed even harder when we saw his car with sticker still intact.

Some memories with Dumbass: He on the other hand hated me having a car... he thought just because I could drive that I should take him everywhere he and his friends wanted. That was a no... unless I got something in return. One day he was so angry that he kicked my Mazda and put a big dent in it, for coarse since his shoes were dirty I noticed the foot print and able to recognize it as my brothers Doc Martins (hence why we call him Dumbass). Not only did I make him wash my baby and pop the dent out. I told him that if he ever wanted to go any where again with me he would have to dress up like one of my girlfriends. He did once, after that I didn't make him again (the staring from others was too much) ..... There was this one time that I was taking Dumbass and Sookie to my parents.... Dumbass pissed me off so I made him sit in the backseat and Sookie got to ride shotgun.... he needed a newspaper for a school project so I stopped at the front of the grocery store....when he came to the car and placed his hand on the door handle... I sped off about 30 feet so he would have to chase us... after doing that about 4 more times, he had about 1/6 of the paper left and he was out of breath and cursing. Sookie and I were crying and about peeing our pants from laughing... the look on his face was priceless ...When I think back and talk to my siblings about it, Sookie and I still laugh hard... Dumbass gets pissed.

Some memories with Sookie: Sookie was in Junior High when I got the Mazda so I used to pick her up at school all the time. When she was in school she brought home a leaf and grew a tree from that, her mistake was placing it close to where I would park. I ran over her little sapling more times than I could count, it would make her so angry. I drove by the old house some months ago and it was still there...all grown up now...it was one tough tree. Sookie was my annoying little sister but, she was always there for me and looked up to me. Some of my best memories were in that car with her. I would get home around 2:00am and wake her up to take her to Taco Bell on the weekends after I had been out with my friends. She never complained and would say that it was so cool of me to do that for her.... Sookie still remembers those nights and told me recently that those nights were the best she can remember living in that house.

It was a sad day when that car finally gave up...since it ran on love I never had engine problems, but the body of the car finally gave out. I fully aware that my baby would soon give out because my backseats were being pushed higher and higher up. Mechanics had told me that the undercarriage was so badly rusted that they were wondering how the car was still together. When it rained I couldn't put anything on the floor boards and the trunk because things got wet. June 21st 2001 it happened, it was late and I was driving home from work...they were doing road construction on one of the main streets and I might have been going a little fast. I hit a bump and I heard my car make an awful sound... I got home and went to bed not even thinking about it. When I woke up I saw the damage... my baby's back passenger wheel could not be seen from the back...the body finally gave out and my rear axle was where my back seat should have been. I cried so hard... Sausage came over and took me to lunch....we went car shopping and I picked out and purchased my first new car. The dealership gave me $50 for my car and I never saw her again.

My Mazda taught me one important lesson:

I can drive, smoke, shift and talk on my cell all at the same time

She might be dead but always alive in my mind.

Please don't think less of us....

I am kinda down today... not really sure why, so I thought I would tell you a funny story about Sausage and my brother "Dumbass" today. As you all know... Christmas was very busy for me. I spent a lot of time with my Family. I had a small party for New Years, Scarlet, Sausage, Lin, Dumbass and Princess came over to drink, eat and be merry. Dumbass spent most of his time showing all of us random things on You Tube... here is the one he was most giddy about it is called "Jizz in my pants".... don't worry it is not graphic at all just funny. It is like the music video that Justin Timberlake did called "Dick in a Box" for SNL last year... he actually makes a cameo in this one too.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pXfHLUlZf4



Anyway now that you have watched it you can understand the rest of the story. So... Sausage, Dumbass and I smoke.... so we were out on the deck since we don't smoke in the house (no smoke for the babies ever, not even in the car). I asked the guys "Does that really happen to guys?" We like to talk about things and we are all pretty blunt and open. Sausage and Dumbass both told me stories of time that it had happened to them *cringes* (all I wanted was a "yes" or "no"). So the rest of the evening every time my brother did anything he jerked his body and sang "..and I Jizzed in my pants"...(when he opened the fridge, took a drink of beer, ate a little smokie, so on and so forth) lets just say by the end of the night I was glad I was realllllly drunk because then Sausage stared doing it to and we couldn't stop laughing.... so enjoy and I will hope that all of you don't think we are a bunch of sickos dancing around and talking about sex every 2 mins when we are together (even though we might be).

Mechanic has decided to Retire

For the Bloggers that follow my Father (Sausage Mechanic) posts.... he has told me with a heavy heart that he has decided to quit blogging for complicated reasons. I am verrrrry upset this this decision since he was the reason why I decided to start blogging. I will say that he might check in time to time. Please wish him the best and if you decide to leave any comments (on here of coarse) I will be sure to let him know. I will miss him, but I can pick up the phone or go over his house, you all can't, which makes me even sadder because he is a very cool person to know.....

Young Girls in Bikinis for the guys and Barbie houses for the ladies

I thought that I would flashback to Past Christmases, some of my favorite moments.....

Christmas 1998- After all the whoop la of family stuff during times that I normally like to forget..... I have a treasure of a memory. My Best Friends in high school (and still my best friends) "Jill" and "Scarlett" came over with their bikinis and a bottle of what we told my Mom was "Sparkling Wine" (really it was a bottle of gods knows what, I remember it was cheap liquor of some kind) and went out to my Hot Tub outside and sat in the hot water with our cheap liquor..... It snowed, we spent hours out there, talking about life and love (HA! we were sixteen what did we know). It was one of my favorite because life was simple, I had the whole world out in front of me. My best friends were there.... I love you ladies

Christmas 1988 or 1989 I was a child so I don't quite remember- It was still when my parents were still married, we were living in a pink house on 40th Street in Albuquerque, New Mexico. I can picture that house, on the Air Force base, wood floors, four bedrooms. I had a full size bed and my own room but my brother "Dumbass" and my sister "Sookie" would still end up in my bed by the end of the night, every night. I remember waking up about 4:00am after "Santa" came and ate our cookies and brought us our presents. We never opened them until my parents got up but we looked in our stockings and would sleep on the floor by the tree. My mom would make bread pudding for breakfast. Dumbass got a GI Joe aircraft carrier and I got a "Barbie" house that was actually a piece of furniture that I would be able to use later in life... That "Barbie" house had many uses after that, but that will be a story for another day.

Christmases Present- I have my own children this will be the first year that they can both walk and unwrap presents by themselves. This one will be a little melancholy for me... I will get to enjoy it because I won't have to work, so that's nice. I am not on speaking terms with my mother so I won't to get to see my half sisters who are 10 and 13 (I did sneak presents over to them though, texting is an awesome thing). I will get to see Dad, Princess and Dumbass is bringing Rockstar over, my parents in law will be there (since they live with us). I will get to see my Roo Roo cook in her kitchen that we bought her and Wubbers play with the Garbage truck we bought him (my son has 3 loves in life.. His Stuffed Monkey, Trash and Trucks). I will spend it with Bill, my husband who has brought me something that I haven't been able to figure out yet. All and All I am looking forward to it..... So Merry Christmas everybody!!!!

Christmas Cookies and World Domination

So this weekend I was very excited to get to carry on a tradition that my stepmother Lin, as Dad likes to call her, and I started a few years back, we baked Christmas Cookies. I haven't really got to participate since I have normally worked like a dog during these past years as a "Big Box" Manager (90 hours+ during Christmas and I am not shitting you). This year was different and I decided that I was going to make up for the last few years and do a marathon of baking. Lin and I invited my sister in law Princess to help. Princess and I started promptly at 9:00am and Lin joined us around 12:00pm (Lin had to go to the scrapbook store but brought us pizza so it was cool) I am never and I mean never going to be as ambitious as trying to bake 16 different types of cookies again. When we started it was great, I had caffeine in me, the boys (Dumbass and Bill) watched the kids. Afternoon was OK, I started to drink some Grapefruit Vodka and Tonic's and we were moving at a good pace. Then all hell broke loose, the boys came in to the kitchen because they were bored, Dad showed up and we all got talking and forgot about baking , most everyone moved at a snails pace, Princess got sick, I almost started crying because I was so tried. I didn't, I just kept on trucking....... Princess left with Dumbass and Rockstar because she felt like crap and went home. Dad had to go home to feed his and Lin's furry kids that live at there house (3 big dogs).... That left me and Lin, by 11:00pm we were done for the night. The next morning I got up and finished by myself..... another 4 hours went by... That's right 17 hours of baking. If I ever have to look at another fucking cookie it will be too soon. As good as they are, I don't even want to eat them, right now... I probably will tomorrow though. I will say that the cookies are beautiful and "the divas" call me Betty Crocker since I brought them a plate. My back hurts and my fingers have been burnt or cut. So next year maybe just 10 diffrent types.

In other news..... Princess is Preggers!!!!!! I knew making her drink all that water at my house would work. That is why she was so sick.... I found out that next day (Dumbass called me but told Bill first which is a load of crap because he is my brother, not Bills) World Domination here we come!!!!!!!!

My first Blog

So my Father was the inspiration for my new found way of expressing myself. I have enjoyed his blog. Things might get said that a Daddy doesn't need to hear about his "little girl". By any means I am not a little girl, I actually have a little girl and boy of my own. My father is a good man, honest, hardworking and loving of my siblings and I and the ungodly amount of Grandchildren we have all given him. He is also grumpy and hardheaded, independent, and sometimes too quiet for his own good. I think his ideal life would be to live in the woods somewhere, alone (well maybe a dog) where he would, smoke, drink and eat whatever the hell he wants and we (my siblings, I and his wife) would come and visit him once a month. He is the sole reason that I am so independent in my beliefs. He and the rest of my dysfunctional family will be topics of this blog. So I dedicate this first Blog to him. So Daddy remember this is a blog... I will not judge you, so don't judge me. If this gets a little to werid for you just stop reading and I promise to do the same for you.