Living "Half Alive"

From my previous posts you can tell that I am married and I have some different views on relationships. I am a big advocate of marriage is a compromise and that you will never marry your Prince Charming because he doesn't exist. I have been married for going on 9 years, which, I might say is longer that any of my friends or family gave me credit for. At one point I loved Bill very much and in some ways will always love him. We have had our ups and downs, we have created 2 beautiful children which my whole world revolves around at this point in my life. Most days that is enough to get me by, but more recently I have wondered what it would be like not to be married to him. I had a real eye opening conversation with him the other day. We were in the kitchen and as I was making the kids lunches for school and he said to me "You know I love you, right." I looked at him kinda funny and said "yes". He then added "but you you will never love me as much as I love you and I have to be ok with that." I was speechless, as much as I hate to say it, it is the truth. Bill does love me more than I love him and I want to be able to pinpoint the time when I stopped, but the reality of it is that it has been coming for a while. Bill and I met when I was 17, started dating when I was 19, married when I was 21 and had our first baby when I was 22. Things changed drastically when the kids were born, a baby changes your outlook on life. I was no longer willing to compromise with him but compromise for them. I no longer was selfish in my decisions, I had to think of them. Honestly, Bill and I wouldn't be married if I didn't have them to think about. Bill knows that and I know that it hurts him. After that conversation, a few days later, we were talking again and he said to me " so me loving you more, is that going to be enough for you?" Again, I was speechless, I was told by a trusted friend that I should be honest. In reality, I am terrified but the truth, I don't want my words to change what I have.

After saying all of that I am also terrified of not saying anything and living the way I am. I hate living the way I do, I think of it as "half alive". Just compromising my happiness for the happiness of others.