The Sad Emo Bunny and the White Princess Bunny

I decided to post about my children because besides work they are my only other life. When I first started posting, they were young and unless I was going to post about how cute they were (which they are) I really didn't have much to say. Now they are older (6 and 5) they say some pretty funny/insulting stuff sometimes. Hence the title of this post.

I read to my children every night (yay me!!) I love reading and hope to pass that love of books on to my children. Lately we have been downloading books on to my iPad instead of going to the library, there is some really great free stuff and some pretty odd free stuff as well. The most recent was an odd story about a sad grey bunnies and happy white bunnies. Let me give you are quick summary of the story. Grey bunnies were not liked by the pretty white bunnies, they had dark fur and droopy ears. They never played in the sun but rather the laid under the tress out of sight. The white pretty bunnies were beautiful and played in the sun where all of the animals could see them. Long story short, one grey bunny was in love with a white bunny but she never noticed him..blah blah blah. White bunny was kidnapped by some other animal...blah blah blah. Grey bunny saved her...blah blah blah. They lived happily ever after. My daughter enjoyed it very much (gotta work on her taste in books).

Later on that week she told me that I was like the little sad grey bunnies. Apparently I wear too much black and never play in the sun, but that is alright because I married a happy white bunny. She also stated that even though I am a sad grey bunny she would still play with me even though she was a happy white princess bunny.

Moral of this story: wear more color and get a tan.

Enjoy!

Reviewing my last few posts since I have come back to the blogging world and I have asked myself. I am really that depressing? I mean, I consider myself a pretty happy person. I am the type of person that tries to make the best of each situation. My dog dies? I don't have to buy dog food anymore. Gotta move to Alaska,? I bet it is beautiful there. I might have a husband that loves me more than I love him but, whatever, at least I am loved.

This place is my outlet for all of crazy things that I think about and don't always express to most of the people I know and love. That is probably for the best anyways, no one would ever believe that the "Chipper and Friendly" Alice thinks about death about, wait I counted.... oh yeah, 5 times today.

In conclusion, if you read my blog you will probably have to read things that I should probably tell a shrink but at the same time hope you will find some of the stuff I post amusing.

Living "Half Alive"

From my previous posts you can tell that I am married and I have some different views on relationships. I am a big advocate of marriage is a compromise and that you will never marry your Prince Charming because he doesn't exist. I have been married for going on 9 years, which, I might say is longer that any of my friends or family gave me credit for. At one point I loved Bill very much and in some ways will always love him. We have had our ups and downs, we have created 2 beautiful children which my whole world revolves around at this point in my life. Most days that is enough to get me by, but more recently I have wondered what it would be like not to be married to him. I had a real eye opening conversation with him the other day. We were in the kitchen and as I was making the kids lunches for school and he said to me "You know I love you, right." I looked at him kinda funny and said "yes". He then added "but you you will never love me as much as I love you and I have to be ok with that." I was speechless, as much as I hate to say it, it is the truth. Bill does love me more than I love him and I want to be able to pinpoint the time when I stopped, but the reality of it is that it has been coming for a while. Bill and I met when I was 17, started dating when I was 19, married when I was 21 and had our first baby when I was 22. Things changed drastically when the kids were born, a baby changes your outlook on life. I was no longer willing to compromise with him but compromise for them. I no longer was selfish in my decisions, I had to think of them. Honestly, Bill and I wouldn't be married if I didn't have them to think about. Bill knows that and I know that it hurts him. After that conversation, a few days later, we were talking again and he said to me " so me loving you more, is that going to be enough for you?" Again, I was speechless, I was told by a trusted friend that I should be honest. In reality, I am terrified but the truth, I don't want my words to change what I have.

After saying all of that I am also terrified of not saying anything and living the way I am. I hate living the way I do, I think of it as "half alive". Just compromising my happiness for the happiness of others.

Girls Night Out

Friday was a bad day for me, work was overwhelming and sometimes I feel that even though I give my all its not good enough. This last year has been trying for me as well, I have been feeling that I no longer fit the mold that I should. I decided early in the day that I needed some girl time, I had ask one of my co-workers if she would be willing to go out for a drink and she said "yes". I normally keep work/personal separate, I have 3 close girlfriends that have known me for most of my life and know my history and that is all I have ever really needed. Even though it seems that the past few years I have grown apart from them, I blame this on a few things. (1) My best friends married my husbands best friends so I feel as though I can't confide in them the way I used to. (2) We have become such different people I have seemed to grow up and they have not. My co-worker and I have always gotten along with and felt as though we are a bit like kindred sprints so talking to her has always been pretty easy, she is a bit younger than me and much more innocent. After a drink (or two) we started opening up on our experiences on life and found that we are much alike. We talked religion, love, etc. I see so much of myself in her, the way I used to be. Before my life experiences changed me in to the person I am now. I told her so as well and her response " but those things made you who you are now and you seem pretty awesome to me". Even though she was probably drunk and being nice, it was something that I needed to hear. So here is to a new girlfriend!!! I guess I am not too old to make new friends.

I'm Sorry for this Post

I was reading over my older posts just to see if in the 3 years that I started posting and then quit for a bit, if my outlook in life has really changed. It some aspects it has, I think I am more cynical then I once was. I think that when I started posting that I really wasn't sure what I wanted to talk about. One thing has not changed, I still apologize for everything. I do it for many reasons, in my mind I think if I say "I am sorry" I hope the other person will as well (This is in cases when someone steps on my foot or runs in to me). In most cases I say it when I have no control of the situation and I don't know whant else to say to make things better. You see, I have a problem, my mothering instinct tells me to fix the situation. Some examples-You cut your finger " I am sorry you cut your finger" come here and let me clean you up and put a band aid on it (yes I do carry a little first aid kit in my purse). You are upset about something "I'm sorry because of *enter problem here*" come here and talk to me and I will try and fix it. Most time I can't do anything to help but listen and apologize. This may seem annoying to some (or most) but to me and my crazy ass way of thinking it helps.

Losing My Religion

I was raised by a Mother that grew up as a Pentecostal and a Father that grew up as a Methodist. I was married and I baptised my Children in the Methodist church. My Mother has gone through many transformations over the years depending on the man she was married to, she was once a Catholic but also dabbled in Baptist and Lutheran faiths. My Father has gone through many transformations over the years as well, right now he studies in the church of drinking and smoking. Faith has always been a part of my life but recently I realized it has been a long time since I have "talked to God".

Last week I had a employee of mine that is going through some really tough times. She came to my "office" and broke down crying. Me being the type of person that I am, asked her how I could help. Her answer "Pray for me Alice, please pray with me right now". I honored her request by bowing my head and holding her hands, waiting for her to speak to God. She looked up and said "you say the prayer, I am not worthy to talk to him right now." I was taken back. I have forgotten how to pray, for a loss of words I stumbled through a prayer that I hope was acceptable in her eyes. It has really bothered me since. Have I really forgot the way I was?

The answer is yes I have, my thoughts on religion have changed drastically since I have gotten older. I still believe in God but my understanding and thoughts on life and death have changed. I no longer believe you just to to Heaven because you believe in and accept a certain faith. There are too many people that believe too many different things in this world for us to have just one God. So here is my thoughts and beliefs no matter how convoluted they may seem to the rest of you.

We are are born and for the short time we spend on this Earth we are in search of something. Once we leave the current vessel we are in, our "soul" is released. If we find it the something that we are looking for to fulfill our lives then our "quest" is over we go to what ever is "heaven". If not ,we come back over and over until we find what we are looking for. I cannot believe that a life that may only last for a few seconds or years has that one chance to go to "heaven". I am still searching for whatever it is I am suppose to to seeking and I feel that I have done that for a very long time, longer than the current life I am living.

Think what you want, my God has given me free will to think what I like. Hope all of you find what you are looking for.

Christmas Spirit

I usually happens right around this time every year for me (except the years I spent in retail Hell). I get my Christmas Spirit. You know that happy feeling that maybe, just maybe we are not all such bad creatures bent on destroying each other or the planet we live on. I have been in such a crappy mood this holiday season that I am afraid that it will not come. So if anyone has seen it tell it to stop by my house, I would like to show my children that Mommy is not a Grinch every year.